Any change?

One evening recently I (perhaps foolishly, with hindsight, given this awful tiredness) decided to don the mantle of emergency fundraiser and stand in a tube station for 2 hours raising money for charity. Fascinating experience. One second, I'm a normal commuter, knackered, grumpy, tired. Wanting my dinner. Next minute, I'm behind the scenes, with some even grumpier security guards, watching their screens, trying to somehow discretely change into a bright blue t-shirt and a smile.

Why, why, why do they make us wear those t-shirts? I wonder. I mean, I get the idea, uniform, advertising, eye catching etc.; but the t-shirts themselves...I look like I'm 16 again (bleurgh). What's wrong with having something a little more stylish? Something that doesn't make us all look like idealistic children?

Anyway, so after my cramped attempt at discretely wangling on the BRIGHT BLUE T-SHIRT WHICH YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY IGNORE, fundraising bucket in hand (Haha, I could shorthand that to fucket), I'm suddenly back out in the open, and everything has changed. Gone are the usual faces of commuters. I now get greeted with Shameful Avoidance, Deliberate Ignorer, Mr I Have Something to Prove, Sly Side Peek and my particular favourite: Grumpy Fuck Off Face.

Suddenly I have become a symbol. I am now in your face, making a point about something I believe in, and wearing a bright blue t-shirt that makes me look like a 16 year old. Great. Just what I'd want to be greeted with on my way home, feeling like I feel like today, on this horrible rainy day. I considered making jokes about rain and how it's bad but it doesn't compare to the floods in Pakistan, but I figured that was probably in bad taste. And now I represent something, so I probably can't go around saying things like that. Lame.

So I opt for the standard 'Any change please for [insert latest appeal here]....Any change...'. I'm standing there smiling away, and worry that I must look a bit manic, or like a Hare Krishna or an Evangelical or something. I then worry that I must sound like a beggar or a tramp. So I let me mind wander a bit, and watch the people as they charge past, so my face doesn't turn into plastic. I try and keep my voice low and loud, so it's not annoying or shrill or dry. In fact, I try and make it sound surprising, for someone who looks like I do. My politician voice, as it were. Understated, yet powerful and commanding somehow. Definitely not the voice of a 16 year old (at least, this is what I tell myself).

As you can probably tell, I turned in on myself a bit whilst doing this. I was so shocked at peoples reactions to me. Fundraisers really touch a nerve. I have fundraised in the past, but never face to face; I have never seen the bits that people choose to hide when speaking over the phone. I was laughing quite a lot, I probably looked quite mad. But at least it was real.

So, Shameful Avoidance starts off by making eye contact, then pretending they haven't; then, realising that I know that they know that they looked, there's this sort of shameful shuffle in their face as they try to get past as quickly as they can. Hands, almost unconsciously, tap pockets and jackets in a symbolic show of checking for change. As they pass and they think I've stopped looking, there's this visible relaxing of the shoulders and arms, and the pace slows a little.

It's so funny, to see them suffering a bit, going through what we've all done from time to time..."Oh shit, that fundraiser's seen me, oh crap, now she knows I looked, shit, okay, just gotta avoid eye contact, do not look at her, go, go, go!!! Ha! Victory! I escaped. Yay me."

Deliberate Ignorers have you in their peripheral vision right from the word go, and they watch you like a hawk, without ever once actually making eye contact. Like you're highly dangerous, and an accidental collision with the Fundraising Entity could cause them to self destruct (internally), and then they'd breakdown in the middle of a tube station, a blubbering heap on the floor, throwing wads of sodden notes at the fundraiser going "Take it!! Take all of it!! [sob]".

I'd guess that the Ignorers are second stage Avoiders, who have progressed to the next stage of Suppressing Guilt. And my God, there was such guilt!! Jeez guys, I mean, the last thing I'd want to do is make you feel guilty. Honestly. I don't go for guilt. I am anti-guilt. But I know I, as the Fundraising Entity, will get the blame, just for being there, for this guilt. Hey, I wasn't doing that! I blame the British mentality. And Freud. So I guess I'm blaming the Austrians as well. Sorry Austria.

I'd guess the third stage is Mr I Have Something to Prove...got a few cynical side mutters about how 'it all goes to the government' and 'these people need to help themselves'...which, sure, yeah, are valid problems in the charity sector sometimes, but these commuters weren't up for thinking about it or having a debate. Purely a blanket thought to use as an excuse not to give. They mutter it sneakily, by my ear, as they wander past, so I can't challenge them as they go by (and to be honest, I wouldn't bother; there are better ways to spend my time). They jab it in like a quick little stab in the side before scuttling off into the crowd, congratulating themselves on having Stood Up To The Man. Yeah, congratulations guys. Round of applause there.

I'm not sure about the Grumpy Fuck Off Faces. These guys look more to me like "giving to others" is against their genes, rather than something they've thought themselves into. My presence, voicing the suggestion that they might give to help those worse off than themselves, is a gross violation of their universe. A violent allergic reaction follows: Clearly, no one is worse off than them; they are clearly having the worst day anyone could possibly imagine; and charity starts at home, after all, so, you know.....fuck off everybody else. Especially fundraisers and poor people.

A fundraiser is a symbol, and weirdly enough, humanity opens itself out once more in the arms of a symbol. No more the private musings of the commuter; I have some weird direct line into peoples thoughts, feelings, justifications; people feel the need to explain their actions to me, why they are not giving, and that, honestly, they're a good person really, it's just, you know, they don't have any change. No, honestly, this time it's true.

I guess that a fundraiser gives off an implicit bond, a trust in The Good in Everyone and some kind of idealistic 'oh well I'm SURE they would give if they had some spare change'. Not unlike that awkward conversation you can sometimes have with a child: 'But WHY is it like that? It SHOULD be like this. WHY is it not like that?' - somehow, we, as responsible adults, feel compelled to try and answer, even when there is no answer; we feel this need to try and explain. When our morals and our society fall short we feel the need to justify it to children, to try and explain why the world is fucked up and how we didn't do it and how it was actually War and The Government and The Man and Definitely Not Me. Hm. A fundraiser acts like that child, with a big lost WHY? sign over their head.

It shouldn't be like that. Guilt is never useful. But hey, who am I to shun the tradition of every single fundraiser before me?

"Any change please? Any change guys. Any change..."